After clinching the Premier League title for September 2013, Arsenal are already in pursuit of their next piece of silverware, the Signing Lars Bender trophy. Arsène Wenger had a bid for the Bayer Leverkusen midfielder rejected in the summer, but is planning to try again in January. So too are Manchester United, but only if they fail to tempt Darr-on Gibs-on from Evert-on.
And Arsenal are not finished there! Like Plain Jane Superbrain taking off her glasses, they are suddenly competing with yer Charlenes and Bronwyns of the football world, also hoping to sign Tim Krul to keep their goal. Unable to compete with such latent beauty, Newcastle have already started the search for a replacement and fancy PSV's Jeroen Zoet – a move specifically designed to rile Arsenal, affronted by two cases of acute missing umlauts. Customs and Excise have been informed.
And Arsenal are not finished there! Like Curly Watts taking off his glasses, they are suddenly competing with yer Terry Duckworths and Martin Platts of the football world, also hoping to sign Saido Berahino from West Brom. However, for this they face competition from Everton – this weekend, the player will be watched by their chief scout, Kevin Reeves, who knows a thing or one and a quarter million about bargain transfers. Though under the terms of his contract the player could leave for as little as £300,000, Everton will offer as much money as exists in the world in order to avoid inflicting intolerable mental anguish upon Jeremy Peace, the West Brom chairman.
However, West Brom will be permitted to purchase their other weekend goalscorer, Morgan Amalfitano – should they provide Marseille with £1.7m for the loanee. Amalfitano is understood to be keen on the deal, seduced by the romantic history of the club, Black Country scenery and local cuisine. He would expect weekly wages in excess of £40,000.
Meanwhile, the Glazers are going to give David Moyes lots of money to spend in January to save Manchester United's season – just as they did in the summer and just as they have done in every transfer window since taking over. The mooted sum is £80m, roughly equivalent to the amount that would have secured them José Mourinho and ensured a season immune from salvage-requiring. Moyes will, of course, refuse to buy anyone on point of principle, but is resolved to subject Ander Herrera, Leighton Baines and Eliaquim Mangala to very close looks, which is virtually the same.
Elsewhere, Real Madrid, Juventus,Manchester City and Liverpool are all interested in signing Luciano Vietto, a striker at Racing Club de Avellaneda, in Greater Buenos Aires. "He is the best young player in Argentina," reckons no less astute and impartial a judge as his agent, Jorge Cyterszpiler, owner of the best surname in Argentina.
Back in London, Mourinho has been watching Ricardo van Rhijn of Ajax. Juventus and both Milan clubs are also reportedly interested in the right-back.
And finally, one more piece of Chelsea news. Their defender Wallace, signed from Fluminese in the summer for a fee of one orange couch and now on loan at Inter, is already keen to leave. Hankering after a move to Real Madrid, "the team of my dreams since I was little", he is also keen "to play with Cristiano Ronaldo". Ronaldo was unavailable for comment.
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